Current Tune – Zindagi Ki Dua – Dil Ne Jise Apna Kaha
When I think of India, I am proud of many things that makes it unique to any other country. Our food, way of life, customs are few aspects of Indian culture that makes it stand out from the other countries. There is one thing that I think we could do without — dehej or dowry.
Many Americans when I tell them that I am from India then ask me, “Oh so they still do dowry there?” Our culture is known for this in our marriages, and I think we can do without it. Easier said than done, but will we ever get rid of it?
Punjabis are well known for having these extravagant dowries, and many families want to discuss it and make it clear prior to the engagement. Even my own family I have seen where my cousin was getting married in Delhi and his in-laws gave him a brand new car, TV set, refrigerator, Sony camcorder, and many many more things. This was back in December 1997. Come on yaar, are you getting married or winning the lottery?
My other cousin (who is a girl), from Mumbai, had brought her to-be in-laws to this marriage in Delhi. Her in-laws saw what my other cousin was getting and became greedy themselves (basically expected the same from her family). After getting married, her mother-in-law caused this girl cousin of mine so much grief due to dowry and eventually she and her husband moved out of Mumbai. What?!? Why? 
There are many other cases like this or even worse where girls suffer or are even tortured by her in-laws because she did not bring enough with her after marriage. Many poor parents have even killed their daugthers at birth because they know that they will have to give dowry for her marriage. I don’t say that all castes in India practice this custom but the majority still do and its not really doing us any good.
This practice was started back in the old days so that the bride is able to take anything that she finds necessary for herself to her new home. Its now been just blown out of proportion where its a “Let’s Make a Deal” type which I think is wrong. There are many other things that you should look for your daugher/son when they are getting married, other than money and status.
Yes. Neeraj and I have even talked about dowry, and what we are going to do about it. His family are in the minority where dowry is done at a very minimal. He says that his family won’t expect these huge gifts and all which happens in my family. The things that you give to the other family because you want to give such as clothes, jewelry (necklace or earrings for the ladies), and or suits for the men should be the maximum expectation. I think that’s the way it should be — anything you give from the heart is fine but not all should it be cash, cars, camcorders, computers, etc.
If you talk to many educated Indians in India or anywhere else in the world, you will see that many are not keen about dowry. But the question is will we ever get rid of it?
Alvida. Jai Mata Di.
I personally dont see us getting rid of the dowry thinggie anytime soon. Given the fact that it exists even among the educated fella’s and only 30% of our population is from urban area’s, so imagine what happens in rural area’s.
A couple of months back, my dad told me about this incident that happened to someone he knew in Punjab. Lets call this guy who is getting married “X”. So X was the only son of his parents and his dad was well known in the city, and actually got offers ke I’ll give you 20lacs cash as dowry if you accept my daughter. Then another one came up with 30lacs, so X’s dad called the earlier guy and told him that someone has offered to give 30lacs, is he still interested, and this went On and “X” has finaly got married and has recd 80 lacs cash as dowry.
True Incident !!!
See that incident is quite sad. You know even Neeraj was saying that Banya caste has also that kind of funda. The more the son is shown to be kabliyat, the more money he should receive. Come on yaar, this is marriage not savouring a deal.
You make an interesting point about the rural areas — that’s quite true but the more educated even those people become, the lesser this dowry will occur.
So maybe a solution is up the literacy rate, now who is willing to help out in this effort?
80 lakhs:!::!::!: thats too much…
But, I believe, that it’s isnt’t easy to eradicate dowry in india… for the simple reason, that it has become a status symbol type of thing in some areas…
Parents give expensive gifts to their daughters and her in-laws just in order to make a statement that they not less than anybody else.. i have seen this a lot… even if the girl’s in-laws don’t ask for anything, the girl parents do spend large amounts of money…
Yeah manpreet, you’re right. I’ve noticed this lately too. more of a status symbol thinggie, but I have also seen cases where the Girl’s side wanted to give but the boy’s side totally refused gifts.
Yeah Monty, there are people like this in India, but the problem is there aren’t many of this kind…
Most people happily accept gifts.. (even if they have not demanded anything).. i have seen this in my own family…
Aren’t there other ways to show your status than to shower your daughter and her in-laws with gifts?
I would have really thought that the dulha’s family would have this chotapan feeling if they were showered with so many gifts.
You made a good point, Manpreet that we have too many people that are willing to accept the gifts — but why is that? Just because you are getting it free? Are you that desperate for it?
Monty, there are people like that do totally refuse gifts, even Neeraj has given me some examples of families he knows. So it happens — but in the minority. Sad really.
Eradicate by education. I think that’s key.
Education – no way… i have seen & heard plenty of stories involving highly educated guys (i am talking about guys having degrees from IIMs, IITs) asking for dowry… education can be one of the solution, but its certainly not the only solution to eradicate dowry
Of course its not the only solution. Do you think there is a better solution?
so it seems that np.com doesn’t like firefox and my early posts about how i met my wife went to the binary graveyard. however, a newcomer with great enthu, i shall strive to type again. since i have chatted with my wife on the net for hours, typing isnt that big of a deal, is it?
so dahej, ummm. before i met gunjan, my wife, i used to think that when my parents find a match, i will request for no dowry. i am a bania by the way. my parents gave up dowry (the usual, saree, suit lengths, jewelery, mithai and so forth though nothing flashy like mobike, car etc.). they were almost sure that they wouldnt take anything in my case. so i met gunjan and we wanted to marry. after all the initial troubles, when my parents agreed, i was surprised to see that somewhere deep down they expected something. which wasnt surprising. see, as an outsider or sitting on the flanks its easy to comment that this has to stop. but i found that this isn’t easy and why inspite of so much discussion and action, its not going away in a jiffy.
you accepted saree when your sisters son got married, you accepted milni when your brothers son got married, you have been invited to weddings with Rs. 500 food budget per person. so fine, i am modern, i dont want cash, car but can i please get a lavish dinner? or can i please get these 21 sarees to throw at my greedy relatives? its so hard to get out of this. i fought for it. convinced my parents that we will stand for it. i had given some gift to all my relatives when i started working so tried to use this as an argument that they have already got their stuff. tried to split the wedding dinner bill with my in-laws. they were furious. that kya hum itna bhi nahi kar sakte? where do you draw a line?
it was such a fight every single day that entire month. convinced my in-laws to do all tikka with just Re 1. refused to accept gifts from gunjan’s mama-chacha-mausi-tau. drama is created. they will walk up to stage or tikka ceremony and say that hum badde hai. please respect us. accept this shagun. so do i accept a titan watch? isnt that dowry. i want their blessings. their trust and backing that in times of need they will be there. thats what indian relatives are really good at. but hazaar hungama.
i think i managed to escape with the least amount of dowry in my immediate circle. wife thinks that this was a sham to look good :) she likes to belittle me and i take this as an opportunity to improve myself.
now, the flip side of story is that i have seen my cousins (two girls) actually feel nice that their parents gave away 10-20 lakhs as net package. can you imagine this? a girl feeling proud of the amount and stuff that she got. thats when i started feeling why this hasn’t died over the years. realistically speaking (the bad cases of extortion aside), both the bride and groom feel happy at getting cool stuff. they havent been earning for long (or nothing at all often) and so havent had Rs. 10000 suits, lenghe, shoes, watches, music system and so forth. so they like it deep down even if they make an outwardly display of dowry-dislike. most girls feel that they dont earn or if they do, this is probably the last chance to get so much consumer stuff. and same goes for the groom too. its hard. for my marriage ceremony i wore shoes that were 2 years old and there were at least 10 friends and relatives who commented. can you imagine this? will a younger cousin witnessing this even dare to not buy new 2000 pair when his time comes? we have been very happy. we moved to bangalore (from delhi) after our marriage with 2 suitcase and 2 cartons of books, cassettes, CDs and some utensils. the fun in sleeping in sleeping bags, buying stuff for the whole house over a 1 year period was just amazing. the fights we had over choices, the searching that we did, we still think about it. and of course sleeping in a bag ;-)
am i making any sense? these are my random thoughts. no gyan being given.